Plus-size models are the new black...

I've been in a loyal, committed, faithful relationship with my traditional seat post for 14 years now. I haven't strayed once. Not once. Until now. That's why this is so hard for me to tell you. I've been having an affair.

For about 3 months I've been seeing someone else. Another post. She may be full of hot air, but she also has 4" of incremental travel. She has a remote lever. Alright, so she's a little bit heavier than most, but it's all muscle. I mean, there's no slop in this one, unlike those other skinny, lightweight telescoping posts that are all messy. Nooooooo, this one is built solid. And I'm not drunk either, so it's truly what's on the inside that counts this time around.

In all seriousness, it's changed the way I look at XC rides. I ride a 2009 Specialized Stumpjumper (and yeah, it's got carbon, suckas) and trying to ride anything but uphill when the saddle is at the right height for pedaling truly sucks. It sucks bad. Anyone who says it doesn't suck, well, they suck, too. I used to stop and drop my seat post at the top of a downhill, so that's neat and all, but what about those short descents that aren't long enough to make it worth the effort? Yet, they truly blow when your seat is all up in your business? That's no way to enjoy yourself. That's just dumb.

Enter my mistress, the Specialized Command Post. Pure XC bliss. Now when I ride, I never have to stop. Except to puke. 'Cause I'm slow. But that's not my bike's problem. My XC rides have been transformed into a fantastical journey of epic sweetness as my new lover and my arse move in choreographed unison. Wait. Let me rephrase that. My butt and my post... Forget it. So while I watch these clowns (aka, my friends) stop every 78 feet to adjust their posts, I cruise happily along knowing I'm truly in love. Sure, these guys will tell you my post is too heavy, but they're also the same guys who ride with chain guides and 7-foot-wide handlebars. Is a 1/4-1/2 pound of extra weight really that big of a deal when you're actually riding to help build your fitness? Really? You do the math.

Do yourself a favor. Dump that lame old hag of a standard post, and hook up with a new plus-size model (we've got 'em in stock, yo). If Tyra Banks says they're fit for America's Next Top Model, they GOTTA be good, right?

Oh, I feel so dirty...